The Life of Xenac
by Xenac
Summary: Just a little background knowledge of my life if anyone wants to read this. It is a story of my life summed up into about 1000 words.


Just so you guys know this is only for the purpose of you all getting to know me better, this is giving you a background of who I am, what I've seen, etc. Here is my life.

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I am not the average teen, I know this. I usually hide my left eye from sight as I do not like direct eye contact, it feels as though people can see my darkest secrets through my eyes. I do not like it that much when people touch me, but I want so much to have someone to hold me when I am distressed. I don't speak up and want my voice to be heard but I am afraid of being shut down. I honestly hate a lot of people in my school and everyday I want them to piss off. I use my music to shut out all of my problems and fears, including other people. No I am not scared of people, I am just antisocial.

Try to imagine that one kid who is a loner, that no one really talks to and no one really knows why. Imagine that kid who is off in his own world all the time and seems to have no care in the world. That kid is me and key word in that last sentence: SEEMS. I live my life in fear of rejection, I fear for my friends leaving me and I'll be alone. I go along with what my friends do because I feel that if I do things they want to do, they won't abandon me. I am insecure, I have been made fun of for the way I talk, my weight, the way I act. I've been called a faggot before. No I am not gay, it was one of the "swaglodites" in my grade 8 class. A swaglodite is someone who thinks they are better than everyone else, that they are the shit. On the last day of school I told my friends I was bi, it hurt when they said things like "I never expected that, we all thought you were too gay to be bi."

I made a mortal enemy early on in my life, let's just call him Jim. Jim and I hated each other, almost everyday in grade 3 he would try to beat me up, I would run circles around a teacher with him chasing me and scream for help. Instead of the teacher helping me, they sent both of us to the office and always, I mean ALWAYS took Jim's side just because he has a disability. He's punched my best friend Sydney in the gut because she refused to dance with him at the grad dance. He's spit on my face. He's given me MANY bruises. I hated that kids guts, he was a wimp when my other friends would stick up for me, he would run away screaming, he picked on me because I was the weakest in the group.

At my high school, barely anyone talks to me or gives a shit about me. I bet there will only be a few people at my school that will care if I drop dead tomorrow. I carry on though because my friend Sydney is there for me, and because I can rely on my music to always be there for me. No one understands the importance music is to me. Music keeps me sane, music has always been there for me. Music is one of my few friends. Music keeps me alive, I feel something would've happened to me long ago if I didn't have music. I shut everyone out with my headphones. When I am listening to music from my iPod, nothing else matters. I can be myself. When my earbuds are out, all of my fears and insecurities come flooding back.

People never really talk to me, they will only talk to me if we have a group project and we are forced to communicate, or if they have a question about school work. I hate public speaking because I feel I will humiliate myself. I never really get involved that much in group activities. If I am in a group and if everyone other than me in a group are really good friends they will talk and figure everything out themselves. During these activities I usually sit back, stare at the ground, and listen to my music.

Online I have met way too many people who do not accept the fact that I am bi, they think it's unnatural. They say I am going to burn in Hell for being who I am. I cannot change myself even though I want to, I want to change so the insults will stop. I know they will never stop. I have gotten used to the insults though. Take it from me and never, EVER, get used to it. You will regret it every day of your life.

Lately, people have been asking my friends if I am gay and they say yes. They say they are joking to me, but it's a joke if everyone laughs, if not, it's not a joke. My friends say things like "You are either straight or gay. There's no inbetween!" It hurts inside but I don't show it. It pisses me off because now people think I am gay when I'm not. I act happy sometimes to hide my true feelings. I get depressed often because of stress and the way people treat me. If someone moves their hand towards me too quickly, I flinch, every time. I have been hit so many times that I flinch at the simplest movement.

When I write TNR, I can break away from my life. I can live as Zyke Anthony Lander. I can be myself in a world where I am accepted, even though it doesn't feel like it right now. Yes I have a crush on Jerome's minecraft skin. If you've read kfcrowe's Surviving Together, you'll see that Zyke is a prince. I do dream I am a prince, but that I wait for my own prince charming to sweep me off my feet. I do have a crush on Jason in real life. I wish I could be a dragon, I wish I could be a water elemental. Zyke is myself, I can live a better life through Zyke Lander, he is a better me.

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So that basically sums up some of my life. I am not trying to make it sound like I have it the worst, I know that I do not. I have come to terms with my life. I am not happy with who I am, but I live with it. Now you have a little history of me... See ya my Zens...


End file.
